$$$

antlerantler @ 2009-12-18T14:07:00

2009-12-18T19:07:40Z

Don't go far off, not even for a day, because --
because -- I don't know how to say it: a day is long
and I will be waiting for you, as in an empty station
when the trains are parked off somewhere else, asleep.

Don't leave me, even for an hour, because
then the little drops of anguish will all run together,
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift
into me, choking my lost heart.

Oh, may your silhouette never dissolve on the beach;
may your eyelids never flutter into the empty distance.
Don't leave me for a second, my dearest,

because in that moment you'll have gone so far
I'll wander mazily over all the earth, asking,
Will you come back? Will you leave me here, dying?

antlerantler @ 2009-12-17T15:38:00

2009-12-17T20:38:18Z

you are constantly coming and going. just when i think i have found you and you are back again, you leave with the wind and are no where to be found. i want to know what color it is that you're wearing this month, i want to watch you eat chinese food in your all white apartment and i want you to play me to sleep with your gigantic harp. i want to know what you are working on, and i want to share your work with my friends because i am proud of you. i want you to know that i will always be your small whale, even if you do have big muscles now and even if you are too busy to return a phone call. i will still call you and i will still listen to "american pie"

antlerantler @ 2009-12-16T22:24:00

2009-12-17T03:24:12Z

I am gonna make it through this year if it kills me

family photos!

2009-12-14T02:19:49Z

antlerantler @ 2009-12-13T13:48:00

2009-12-13T18:48:04Z

help a kid out! c'mon!

antlerantler @ 2009-12-13T02:12:00

2009-12-13T07:12:13Z

you are the roots that sleep beneath my feet and hold the earth in place.

antlerantler @ 2009-12-13T00:57:00

2009-12-13T05:57:46Z

I want to love you. your mess, the things people might see as shallow or dirty. I want it all, because I am that times ten

antlerantler @ 2009-12-09T20:24:00

2009-12-10T01:25:00Z

i'm writing young and gifted in my autobiography. i figure who would know better than me? certainly the former, but i'm not so much the latter. but no one's gonna read it so i'm sure it doesn't matter.

antlerantler @ 2009-12-06T21:56:00

2009-12-07T02:56:37Z

this morning i got breakfast with China. i am so glad she is home! i missed her soooo much. after that i went to Mike's and i cleaned the entire basement for him, and re-did his calendar for december (he forgets everything, so if i have to do this for him. otherwise he would be lost). then we had to set up our bed and things, and it is so fucking perfect. our future together is going to be so fucking perfect. oh yeah and last night we went down to Detroit for Noel Night and we went over to CCS and saw a lot of friends and then we went to the D.I.A. this weekend was productive in a lot of ways, but mostly in regards to being a social person. tonight i did a fair amount of studying and a minimal amount of homework, but i still feel very productive in the school sense. i am verrrrry happy and so content and i feel extremely blessed to a. be in love with such an amazingamazingamazing person, b. have so many opportunities and doors that are open for my future and c. have such a comfortable bed!

antlerantler @ 2009-12-03T21:39:00

2009-12-04T02:39:14Z

mah rock lol

antlerantler @ 2009-12-03T21:18:00

2009-12-04T02:18:52Z

suck my left one

antlerantler @ 2009-12-02T06:42:00

2009-12-02T11:42:40Z

mike gave me a ring. i'll show you bitches later

antlerantler @ 2009-11-29T21:16:00

2009-11-30T02:16:13Z

florida is my home.

antlerantler @ 2009-11-21T13:37:00

2009-11-21T18:37:03Z

I got out of the shower and I looked at my feet as I dried off my legs and noticed that the deep purple rug (deep purple like the color of the sky when you go outside at 3:30 in the morning) was decorated with Emily’s toe and fingernail clippings. It didn’t phase me though. Maybe it would have if it were anyone else, but since it was her it didn’t bother me. The shower had been refreshing and maybe that was what it was. I stepped out of the shower a new woman – I knew right then and there that this was the start of my new life. I had brand new skin and I had brand new hair and even though I might not look any different to anyone else, to me I was different. I felt different. I could just feel the difference penetrating through my hollow bones. Through my hollow veins and through my hollow heart, which didn’t pump blood, no, it didn’t pump anything but battery acid and rat poison. My veins were poison. My lungs were poison, my brain too. And all that was on my mind was you and whether or not you were okay. And you always start these out. And you always start these out thinking that there will be a moral and there will be some kind of a better meaning but what is all boils down to is “you” and not even I can think of a clever or witty ending to a story or a poem or a song anymore. Not one that isn’t “you” at least. Because that is what I have become. I have become you. Whether you like it or not, whether I like it or not. We just have to accept it and quite frankly, I could give a flying fuck about whether you want to accept this new affirmation or not. That is what it is you know, an affirmation. I used to think that one day when the sky is blue for all the day and not a single cloud gets in my way and one day when the sun shines on me for twenty-four straight hours without me having to move a step then that would be the day that you would not be the only thing on my mind. That would be the day when my life would finally begin to take shape of something else that is not you. I never thought so much could change with one shower. One life-changing, very revolutionary shower in which I realized that I was a true artist of the hair and that the hair that I was collecting on the walls of the shower and the hair that I had collected in the corner of the tub was not just me trying to save the drain from backing up – it was my art. No longer was my art in the way I held a pen or the way my voice cracked when I sang or any of that. It was hair. The wall of the shower was my canvas, and don’t forget the corner of the tub – the most key area. The piles of the hair which just kept growing – the hair that kept collecting – the hair of which 50% probably was not mine. I knew I needed to stop pulling out my goddamn hair and find a new form of art right then because there is no way I could keep this up and not end up bald by the time I reached 30.

antlerantler @ 2009-11-21T13:34:00

2009-11-21T18:34:15Z

Graceful, young, smart.
Awkward, goofy and tall.
It is a wonder how we ended
Up together. It is a wonder
Why I am so in love. Perhaps
your heart was lost in mine
Too big to turn another’s down, so tripled
In size it has. And given
To you is how.
Touch your velvet
Lips to mine is what I long
To do. I wonder if it’s un-
Comfortable for you. But you don’t
Seem to be bothered by this
Separating of the seas and
Therefore I am happy.
I say maybe I just love you
Because you give me something
To write about. You say maybe
And I can see the pain
In your hurricane eyes. Your
Fire is hot and flaming. It
Runs deeper than all oceans
and the tide is high.
It is a good day for fishing.
No one can sit still for
Much longer. My hands
Need something to hold.
Yours are double the size
Of mine, it is overwhelming
And scary and I don’t know
What to do but squeeze tighter.
You say that maybe you are just
Here so that you don’t get lonely,
And I say you are never alone, when you are
with me. You don’t know what to
Say back. No other girl is good enough for you.
I think this, not you. I know
This, not you. No other boy
Is good enough for me. I think
This, not you. I know this, not you.
When you are not around I am
Empty emptiness. I am lackluster. I am not a
Person. But you seem to be just
Fine.

antlerantler @ 2009-11-21T13:24:00

2009-11-21T18:24:59Z

If you don't have a date, celebrate. go out and sit on the lawn and do nothing cause it's just what you must do. nobody does it anymore

yeah, what do you say

2009-11-21T18:23:05Z

The boy I kiss and the boy I love, they are the same for once.
I have let my heart tear open on account of the breeze,
And it is there; so big and red and pumping.
When it was first ripped from my chest,
My rib cage cracked in half, left dangling there like a broken puppet, the strings still attached but they no longer offered any support. The pain was unbearable.
I could not sleep. I could not eat.
I had no interest in the things that had previously brought me pleasure.
Not that it was much, since there was only one fixation:
And it was the very obsession that my heart was trying to escape so hard for.
It made no difference what I wanted.
I was no longer in control.
My heart was.
Days, weeks and months went by.
My heart was exposed to all kinds of treacherous things.
More detestation, disgust, more fear and apprehension; the innocence my young heart had once known was no longer there. So I placed an ad in the newspaper.
“MISSING: THE INNOCENCE OF ONE YOUNG HEART. REWARD.”
The innocence was never recovered. But my heart grew tough.
Only to see his eyes and feel new hurt all over again.
Until as I have already mentioned,
The breeze blew my heart apart.
Now there is no going back and my heart is very literally on my sleeve.
The veins and chambers that once made up my heart are no longer there,
They have been lost somewhere in the ocean.
The salt has dried them up; I no longer need to breathe.
I no longer need to feel the blood rushing through my veins.
I just need the wind in my face and to feel the warmth of another body at night.
Pressed up against mine whispering,
“I love you, but I do not care. I love you, but I cannot care.”

** apparently i wrote this on Nov 11, 2007. i forgot about it

antlerantler @ 2009-11-21T12:18:00

2009-11-21T17:18:01Z

antlerantler @ 2009-11-21T00:45:00

2009-11-21T05:45:50Z

we are nowhere and it's now

antlerantler @ 2009-11-19T22:02:00

2009-11-20T03:02:18Z

have you ever asked someone to
forgive your
existence?
do you know what it’s like
to apologise
for breathing?
could you ever really
understand how it feels
to wear a target on your
chest?
sometimes I feel like a disease

antlerantler @ 2009-11-18T15:55:00

2009-11-18T20:55:40Z

I am feeling very productive! hallelujah

antlerantler @ 2009-11-16T22:27:00

2009-11-17T03:27:27Z

since you are all so interested, here is an update on my life:

- the only thing my mother has said about the things mentioned in the previous post is, "pall malls? i thought you knew better than that." i didn't really expect anything extreme from her, because we have been through worse, i suppose. and after all, in about 5 months i will be out of here so i think she just wants to be my friend. a huge sigh of relief

- i am not doing very well in school-like things, even though i am making an effort lately! it is just that sleep is too tempting. and after all, i am getting by just fine with very minimal effort. i think that i will continue to coast for as long as i can until i actually have to do something.

- i really know how to fuck things up with michael, but i still think it's his fault. is it his fault or mine? sometimes i think that he is brainwashing me to think that i am a very sick, deranged person.

- i started my christmas shopping today! i am so excited for this holiday season. i can hardly stand it!

also, if somebody said they were buying you two different things that were sort of the same thing as a part of your christmas present, and this person was also your boyfriend who always talked about buying lingerie for you, wouldn't you assume that they were buying you lingerie? or discuss what else this could possibly be. consider the following: my boyfriend is a very big computer nerd, i really like pandas and books and to sleep, and we share these things in common for the most part. i suppose we also share a love of each other and sex.

antlerantler @ 2009-11-15T00:29:00

2009-11-15T05:29:18Z

my mother found the following things in a bag i had under my bed:

- a little bit of coke
- an empty pack of cigs
- a fifth of cheap vodka
- my friend's piece
-pictures from last night
- a letter about how i lied to her about something really stupid to me (big deal to her) that my bpfl wrote and

now,
how disappointed do you think she's going to be?
also, what do you think she is going to do to me.

let's be realistic.

antlerantler @ 2009-11-12T20:36:00

2009-11-13T01:36:23Z

why, sometimes i've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.

antlerantler @ 2009-11-11T22:49:00

2009-11-12T03:49:48Z

i don't know where i'm going, but i'm headed somewhere.